2 February 2012
I'm so stressed out by work nowadays. Sigh. Teaching is more stressful than learning, that's the truth. I know that now.
Getting annoyed by all those workload + relationship problems. I have anger management issues. And did I mention that I am now a frequent alcoholic beverage consumer? Okay, that sounds a bit too proper. Gah. Never mind.
I just wish that this storm will be over soon. I'm tired of looking like I have PMS everyday of my life. Blergh.
And I think I developed some kind of fear of being alone in the darkness after locking myself in my room frequently without lights on during the past few weeks. Hooray?
I feel like a child. I don't know why. Maybe because I feel helpless. This feeling of insecurity gets back to me. All the time. One moment I'm okay, the next moment I might be deep in my train of thoughts, my heart weeping silent tears. Doesn't this cycle ever ends?
I admit, my past has damaged me. And the scars take a long time, if not forever to heal. My heart was torn into pieces. Will he be able to find all those broken shards and put them together, one by one? Although I have doubts, but I am still hopeful.I guess that's why I get hurt all the time. I hold on to false hope. His patience will never be enough. It was broken into too many pieces to be fixed.
Again, it got me thinking. He didn't want the plaster because it looked childish and not-so-pretty. And love is not about perfectness. So if one day, when he discover that I'm not as good as he thinks, will he throw my imperfect heart away and show me signs of rejection, just like how he didn't want the plaster? Some people say I think too much, but what can I say? My thoughts go a long way. I am sensitive, and that's just how I am and how I will be in the future.
Future. Another inspiring word. I'm going to pour out all my inspirations here today. I wonder if I have a future sometimes. Honestly, I really wish that we will last a lifetime, if not forever. I want him by my side in the next 10, 20, 30, 50 or even 100 years! I don't know why; I just need him. We might have complaints about each other sometimes alright, but the dependence on each other is still strong. In my case, I can't even live one day without looking at my phone, waiting for his text message or call. This has never happened to me before. I have no idea why is it happening now either. Really. I want to have a future with him. A family with him. A lifetime with him. Just thinking about that makes me happy. Yes, it makes me happy.
Happiness. Are you close to me? What should I do to get close to you? I wanna hold you in my embrace and never let you go. I don't want to listen to the song “煎熬” by 李佳薇 every second of my life. I don't want that torment. Take it away, please. I have been listening to that song so often that I sometimes actually think that THAT is what's gonna happen to me in the future. No, please. Happiness, please don't go. I need you.
Okay, that's it. I'm stopping before I go completely mad.
P.S. I miss blogging. The endless typing and the sound of it. :O
*WAVES GOODBYE*
0 loner (s)
