I'm gonna be a workaholic sooner or later.

And I just realised that.. I no longer use the word "rawr" anymore.

Is it a sign that I am growing up?

That I no longer tolerate childishness?

I think I am still childish. In some ways.

Have I finally let go of the things I wish not to care?

I don't think so.

I've not let go of the disappointment he brought into my life.

That disappointment... is enough to break me for a lifetime.

I chose to forgive. But I can never forget.

Just yesterday, when he was about to make the same mistake again, my heart ached a little as I reached for my phone to stop him.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I just don't know.

I really don't.
0 loner (s)
Rough day! Woo! Done with lectures for... MONDAY. Sigh.

I am pretty quite annoyed, alright. All the changes in the schedules is like... driving me crazy? I wonder why can't they keep to a certain schedule to avoid confusion? Hmph.

And I can't wait for the holidays! And I'm still considering whether I wanna go back home. I mean, of course, the air cond is like so... heavenly. But the lectures and controlling systems from my parents... They are not, okay? Sigh.

I'm hungry. Sigh. Biscuits and instant noodles ain't doing no good to my health. It's killing me, just looking at those junk food I consume almost everyday. This is what happens when you get a sucky cafeteria. How I miss GR's canteen. :'( *Finally appreciating what I used to have* LOL..

Tired now, going off for a rest. Lots of love. :)
0 loner (s)
It's been so long since I last blogged. Well, time for UPDATES!

I thought I had things going my way when I got accepted into IPG, especially when I still living in Kuching - nearer to his house, in fact. I didn't realize that I was getting myself into serious trouble for accepting the offer.

1st problem - My parents driving me crazy. I feel like I have less freedom - besides being able to talk to him late at night without anyone annoying me - compared to when I was in Form 6. They imposed such stupid rules about staying in the hostel and not going ANYWHERE else. Like, wtf?

2nd problem - The FOOD. Ugh. I'm not gonna mention much here. You probably can guess.

3rd problem - The TIOLETS. Eww.


4th problem - Walking to the lecture hall - I prefer it to be called classroom, actually - from the hostel which is like miles away. At least it feels that way when I have to start walking early in the morning with the fear that I might have to stand outside for being late for class.

Well, that's about it for the campus. Wouldn't wanna mention too much about it here.

My relationship is... going up and down again. It's the time of the year when I get so frustrated that I don't wanna talk to anyone. Yeah, mood swings. That's the right way to put it. I have no idea why either. But... I'm grateful. Not for the mood swings, of course, but for the patience in my boyfriend, which I believe, he works on to endure my long-lasting anger and frustration.

My overall mood for today: SAD :'(

I feel like breaking down sometimes. Don't get me mistaken, I'm not saying that I'm going back to my old self, but I just feel so vulnerable sometimes. And I don't know why. I shouldn't be this way. I told myself over and over again that I would be someone else someday. Someone who is mature, independent... But sometimes... I just want someone to talk to. Someone who will not be upset and impatient with me. But even he gets frustrated at me sometimes. So... :'(

Stopping here. Lots of love.
2 loner (s)
Waiting for Form 6 to start. I'm sick of working. It's funny how we used to crave for the freedom we'll finally have after schooling,  but we long for schooling days after we started working. Why? The answer is simple - EXHAUSTION.
0 loner (s)
This morning, I was well prepared to sit in the classroom and listen to the law lecture thing... Until I realized that I left my I.C. at home! Lol?
1 loner (s)
感觉上，我好像很久没有在这里写东西了... 可能是因为不懂改写什么好吧？

最近发生了好多事情啊。我非常想养只狗。也很想驾车。我想我以前的狗狗了。我也不要再像个笨蛋等人载我了。很累啊。也很麻烦。:'(

做工越来越闷。没事做。嗨。讨厌死了。

我真的好爱他。我的黑兔子。:')

说真的，我有点失望，但我还能怎样？早就该习惯了，不是吗？:(

好了啦，不想写了。越写越伤心。真是的。:(
0 loner (s)
I'm so stressed out by work nowadays. Sigh. Teaching is more stressful than learning, that's the truth. I know that now.

Getting annoyed by all those workload + relationship problems. I have anger management issues. And did I mention that I am now a frequent alcoholic beverage consumer? Okay, that sounds a bit too proper. Gah. Never mind.

I just wish that this storm will be over soon. I'm tired of looking like I have PMS everyday of my life. Blergh.

And I think I developed some kind of fear of being alone in the darkness after locking myself in my room frequently without lights on during the past few weeks. Hooray?

I feel like a child. I don't know why. Maybe because I feel helpless. This feeling of insecurity gets back to me. All the time. One moment I'm okay, the next moment I might be deep in my train of thoughts, my heart weeping silent tears. Doesn't this cycle ever ends?

I admit, my past has damaged me. And the scars take a long time, if not forever to heal. My heart was torn into pieces. Will he be able to find all those broken shards and put them together, one by one? Although I have doubts, but I am still hopeful.I guess that's why I get hurt all the time. I hold on to false hope. His patience will never be enough. It was broken into too many pieces to be fixed.

Again, it got me thinking. He didn't want the plaster because it looked childish and not-so-pretty. And love is not about perfectness. So if one day, when he discover that I'm not as good as he thinks, will he throw my imperfect heart away and show me signs of rejection, just like how he didn't want the plaster? Some people say I think too much, but what can I say? My thoughts go a long way. I am sensitive, and that's just how I am and how I will be in the future.

Future. Another inspiring word. I'm going to pour out all my inspirations here today. I wonder if I have a future sometimes. Honestly, I really wish that we will last a lifetime, if not forever. I want him by my side in the next 10, 20, 30, 50 or even 100 years! I don't know why; I just need him. We might have complaints about each other sometimes alright, but the dependence on each other is still strong. In my case, I can't even live one day without looking at my phone, waiting for his text message or call. This has never happened to me before. I have no idea why is it happening now either. Really. I want to have a future with him. A family with him. A lifetime with him. Just thinking about that makes me happy. Yes, it makes me happy.

Happiness. Are you close to me? What should I do to get close to you? I wanna hold you in my embrace and never let you go. I don't want to listen to the song “煎熬” by 李佳薇 every second of my life. I don't want that torment. Take it away, please. I have been listening to that song so often that I sometimes actually think that THAT is what's gonna happen to me in the future. No, please. Happiness, please don't go. I need you.

Okay, that's it. I'm stopping before I go completely mad.

P.S. I miss blogging. The endless typing and the sound of it. :O

*WAVES GOODBYE*
0 loner (s)
20.1.2012- Went to Boulevard, met up with him. Me and sis went down, mum and him went up and down again. Went to talk with Simon and went to buy drinks, etc. Then went to boutique near OneJaya, looked for clothes all over. Went to OneJaya to search too. Talked with his cousin too. Went to eat laksa, argument. Silence in car. Then picked up his beer from Padungan area. Then home, pinky with him, fell asleep in his car. Slept so soundly until arrived home. Continued sleeping. Then woke up, brought in the drinks, then gave him the cookies. Home.
0 loner (s)
已经很久没写部落格了... 就回来、随便写写一下吧。

最近的心情不是说很好。我真的很累、很累。我不知道该怎么办了。

我的颈链、戒指、就连耳环都拿下来了。当我没有一天是好过的。真的是很不习惯。它们已经变成我生命的一部分了吗？

那段友情、我并不需要、我也不稀罕。但为什么你就是认为我很在乎他所说的话？我不是在乎他所说的、我是在乎你所做的！

真的很累。很想离开古晋一阵子、停止脚步、休息一下。其实也不用离开古晋。只要不在家就好了。但就是没机会。嗨。都快要累死了。

每天晚上都睡不好... 醒了、就睡不着了...

反正你的身边有别人、少了我一个、也不会怎么样吧？

我很讨厌凡事都要顾到别人、尤其是家人。自己没有生命吗？为何什么事都要想到家里？每次弄到自己很烦、没心情... 烦死啊！自己要好好的放松一下都不能、电话一直响、听到都不耐烦！

我没你想象中那么好。如果你要松开手、我也不会强迫你继续陪我走下去。反正我什么都不是、我也没有任何理由把你留下来。

爱着别人、为何要和另一个女生在一起？

昨天淋了一点雨、伸出手、才发现原来我的泪水比雨水还冷了很多。

身体不舒服。要生病了。又很累。嗨。谁能带我逃离这鬼地方？
0 loner (s)
Work, work and work. Endless working hours. =.="

Actually, tutoring someone now. Rofl. Waiting for him to finish answering the questions I gave him.

My soul's tired. Extremely tired. I really need a rest.

And I'm on a roller-coaster ride again. Yes, in my relationship. Blergh.

I've learned to appreciate him. Embrace his existence. Be thankful. Understand that he's by my side only because he wants to, and not because it should be as it is.

The best things in life are free. :)
0 loner (s)
Time just passed so quickly.

I finished my SPM examination. Hooray?

I don't feel like my sufferings are over. Not yet. Not when I'm about to juggle two jobs starting from tomorrow (later). I think I'll be so worn out that I would wish that I could sleep for 2 days straight.

Going for a photo shoot with my black rabbit this coming December! Whiee!

Still living, still breathing. For now.
0 loner (s)
好久没在这里写部落格了。。有点想念。。哈哈

最近，心情很乱。。真的是有够烦的了。。

怕被伤，怕失望，谁都一样。

有时候，安静就好。

我不喜欢吵闹。我只要安安静静的过，安安静静的走。

要是真的是那样，那对不起了。。

能撑，我就会撑着。

他说得好：“要是有一天，一个人放弃了，不是不爱了，而是对方让他太失望了。”

再多几天，我干姐干哥就要回了。还没定机票，所以还不知道几时走。嗨。

有时，我真的是说了，又做不到。对不起。

我只能珍惜现在我所有的。

我的爱，我明白。

0 loner (s)
Rawr. Headaches getting more and more frequent each fucking day.

Lynn says it's causing my sleeping disorders. I wonder if I'll sleep and never wake up someday. :S

Whatever's making me sleep non-stop these days, I'll kill it. It's making my life miserable.

I can't stay up for long hours anymore. My reactions are getting retarded. Lagging/slow reactions really piss me off.

I am a bad bad person. :O

I wish I could turn back time. =_=

And no, I'm not prepared for SPM at all. Right now, I don't really care about education anymore.

And a few days back, I got really, really annoyed. Gah.

-I knew things would turn out that way. That's why I chose not to turn up for a month plus. Apparently that didn't change anything.-
0 loner (s)
Rawr rawr rawr. My Facebook looks dead to me. And I'm unhappy about it. :O

My blog~ WORSE! xD

Has been skipping classes here and there. And I indirectly killed a teacher today. Like, really rudely. It was obvious that I was against her, I guess. Like, wtf, I seriously DISLIKE her.

Hmph. Now I feel like sleeping. Nothing much to blog about really. Things still go on like how they used to. Only that now, I have him with me. :)

My BLACK RABBIT is my OBSESSION! Rawr! I'm obsessed or possessed, I can't tell which. ROFL!

And and my dear Abby's gonna pass me my super duper late gift! Hahas. Love you, my dear. :)

Andy's bullying me a lot these days. But I still can't say that I wish for him to go back to Aussie ASAP, cos I don't! He's gonna bring Lynn dear dear with him! T.T Ahahax. I'm probably outta my mind.

Add Maths project not done. Ugh. I'm soo dead.
0 loner (s)
Uhh ohh. My bad headache's returning. For revenge, I suppose.

And worse, he knew about it. Now he's worrying like Hell. :(

Gah. I'm a bit... rawr. Never mind.

Lots of things happened recently.

The dinner was great, I suppose. And I mean TKD dinner organised by STA.

Looking forward to SMK Green Road's TKD dinner. Now THAT would be a BLOW. xD

Ahh ahh ahh. I can't catch up in my studies anymore. D':

Gah. Going off.
0 loner (s)
Soo~ Lots of things happened last week. :O

Me bought new phone! My bf was there to give me "reviews". Ended up me choose ki. Rawr. :O

It's really, really not bad! SE Vivaz! Bought it from Johnny who gave me a really HUGE discount. :D

Then then after that, went to his cousin's Silver shop to get a present for my "granddaughter", Belinda. Ended up choosing a really nice bracelet for her. And yesh, SILVER. :D

The birthday party wasn't bad. It was... nice, actually, despite... well, the thoughts bothering me when I was there. When I saw... never mind.

Went to K-Box, cake, blah blah blah, got annoyed some more, then again, the usual, then then back home at 12.30a.m. @.@

Ahh. I'm addicted to him. There was something that he said the other day that made me break down - in front of him. Damn. I hated that. I don't ever wanna break down in front of him. But I can't take it. I just can't. Those words... I made him promise that he'd never say something like that again. Or I'll pull his ears - long long long - until become rabbit. :D Hahas.

Rawr. I think I'm going off. Lovesick. Ehehe. Bye!
0 loner (s)
Things have been... moderate for me these few days.

Went to the airport yesterday to pick up some visitors from Canada~ Their English is aweeesomeee! And they're gonna stay here - at my house - for about two months! Woo! :D

Have not been to "somewhere" for about a month... More than a month, actually. Rawr. Planning to go this Saturday. Not. Gah. I don't know.

I'm having major difficulties coping with my studies right now. It's seriously pissing me off.

My relationship with him finally calmed down a little after all the mess the past few days/weeks. And I'm really, really grateful for that. :)

Me loves my black rabbit more than anything! :D Love love love~ :)

Ahh. Stopping here for now. ;)
0 loner (s)
Soo~ Championship's over~ 18th&19th June. 2Golds, 1Silver. Best Girl Award again. @.@ Same with Whai Teng. ROFL! Heng nia la. Hahas.

19.06.2011! 他的生日！:D

Celebrated his birthday with him~ He was... shocked when he discovered that I booked K-Box THAT early~ Then with the cake and all that~ My planning was a success! xD First time planning a birthday celebration~ Though there was only two of us. Ahahax.

Pictures are still in his phone. Hmph. Waiting for him to upload it / for him to send it to me via Bluetooth so I can upload it. @.@

Blah blah, went to Spring, lied to him that I needed to go to the washroom, secretly planned things out at K-Box, surprised the Hell outta him there. xD Then then ended up NOT watching Super 8 due to some reasons~ Ahem! Got someone buy wrong ticket ler~ ROFL! Ended up at Friendship Park, which was really niceeee~ He was driving around slowly. :)

Then I went home at around 11.00p.m. Gave him a silver ring with white gold plated on it, then then plus a formal wear shirt. Eeikk! He looks nice in it! :D

Blah blah blah~ He said it was very sweet! The whole thing caught him off guard, I guess. Hehexx. He said he wasn't expecting much because none of his ex-gfs ever celebrated his bday with him, and that I was the first one. :D Aww~ :)

Overall the day was really, really great. I mean, I, for one, don't really plan stuff. First time planning such things for bf. So yeah, special memories in my heart! :D Love love love my black rabbit! :)

Rawr~ Me going crazy already. Gonna stop before I hyperventilate. Hahas. Bye!
0 loner (s)
Getting more and more annoyed with myself each passing day.

Why the fuck am I being like this?

I really hate this.

I hate this family.

If FAMILY means Father-And-Mother-I-Love-You, no, I don't have one.

I hate myself. For not being able to concentrate on anything. For being useless. For being over-emotional.

What? For being a bitch? For hating people who deserves hate? No, I don't feel sorry for that. I AM a bitch. And those people looked for it themselves. There's no justice in this world, so I'm just gonna point fingers - especially the middle finger - at anyone whom I dislike or despise. This is me. Hate me? FUCK OFF LA!

Gaming more and more these days. I'm gonna abandon my books from today onwards. There's no point to continue. I don't want a future. This is what they want, isn't it? They caused it anyway.

Sometimes, I think that there's nothing more to this life. Nothing worth anything. But I have him. That's what keeps my heart beating. If, in any way, we're not gonna end up... well, together... My heart will be dead. And there goes my life. To Hell, I suppose.

Blergh. Annoyed. Zzz

Which reminds me. I haven't got my salary from Kelly. =.=

Haixx. I don't care about anything anymore other than him. I guess I'm just gonna let this life rot. Maggots or whatever consuming it, I don't fucking care. But not if I get a happy ending in the end. Sounds wrong. Argh. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.

Gonna die soon. Going to St. Jo on the 18th and 19th of June. TKD championship. Zzz And Hell, I'm not prepared. At all. Fuck.

Going off before I slam this keyboard. Bye.
0 loner (s)
Random, I hate nosy people. Fuck you, can you please mind your own business for once?

Anyway. Nothing much happened lately.

Andy终于回来了，还有Lynn~ :D 开心啊！但是也有些事发生了咯... 无法避免的啦，就算了！

宝贝说要跟我去旅行... 去哪里好呢？嘻嘻...

你们要搞破坏，没关系，因为你们破坏不到我们的关系。

等我十八岁了，我自动会走。到时候，你们就休想管我了。

[宝贝，我爱你，永远不会改变，永远不会变心。不要太担心我，我没事的。就希望你每一天都能开开心心的，好吗？:) 我们要幸福到老！都订婚了，还怕什么？嘻嘻... ♥]

Done writing. And good news : I FAILED MY ADD MATHS! xD
0 loner (s) OLD | NEW 把我的回忆还给我... 16/06/10 20/06/10 01/07/10 11/01/11 15/01/11 22/01/11 11/02/11 16/02/11 05/03/11 08/03/11 09/03/11 11/03/11 17/03/11 18/03/11 19/03/11 22/03/11 26/03/11 28/03/11 30/03/11 31/03/11 02/04/11 03/04/11 04/04/11 12/04/11 13/04/11 15/04/11 26/04/11 03/05/11 18/05/11 14/06/11 15/06/11 21/06/11 28/06/11 05/07/11 12/07/11 14/07/11 19/07/11 09/08/11 05/12/11 12/12/11 19/01/12 21/01/12 02/02/12 22/02/12 26/02/12 05/04/12 27/07/12 06/08/12 14/08/12 14/09/12 09/04/13 16/05/13